When confidence disowns you
This guest blog post is from Jeni Thakrar, Talent and Inclusion Partner at Canada Life. She writes openly and honestly about the instances where confidence has suddenly disowned her, right at the moments where it mattered. We are delighted to have helped Jeni in her confidence journey, and here she shares some of her own reflections and lessons learnt in order to help others derive strength in overcoming their confidence wobbles.
Jeni Thakrar, Talent and Inclusion Partner, Canada Life
“You’re so Confident”, said a friend-colleague after attending a presentation that I delivered.
Obviously, being British/female/modest, I squirmed at the compliment, trying my best to deflect it and talk instead about the content of the presentation itself, rather than my own delivery of it. I had a funny feeling in the pit of my stomach following that conversation. And I gave myself some moments to indulge and reflect why and what caused me to feel that way.
Firstly, I found it odd that others label me as Confident. There are a million instances where Confidence has suddenly disowned me, right at the moments where it mattered. And I’ll outline some of those below for a) a laugh at my toe-curlingly embarassing expense, and b) an opportunity for me to share some reflections – or lessons learnt.
Lesson Number 1
Confidence is not a thing that can be defined and shaped and worn on your breastplate like a pinbadge.
Those sorts of accomplishments are reserved for scouts and girl guides. Confidence, much like tides and emotions, ebb and flow.
What I mean to say is that I adore public speaking. There’s something quite powerful in being able to communicate a message to a group of people. The more the merrier. I can power pose, I can engage in deep breathing, I can practise my script, I can listen to Beyonce and Megan Thee Stallion and get myself in The Zone to bring my message to life.
However. Hand me a bicycle and ask me to ride it, or speak in Spanish, or initiate a meaningful conversation about my own career development and I get all wobbly, my heart starts racing and the negative voice in my head takes over.
Lesson Number 2
Fake-it-till-you-make-it doesn’t work if you haven’t prepared.
I freely admit it has been exhausting having to navigate and juggle social expectations on how a woman should think and behave – both at home and in the workplace. Whether it was my education: a comprehensive high school, a relatively new university or my cultural upbringing – I am proud of my British Indian identity. At home, there were strict boundaries in expectations of what a female could, or should, do and say.
The workplace was the complete opposite. And of course, I OD’d. I faked Confidence at every turn. I became uber competitive as a result. In my early career, I was asked to deliver a presentation to a group of senior stakeholders. The fake-Confidence took over. I did zero preparation except knowing the title of the presentation. But that didn’t matter to me as I truly believed that if I continued faking it, I’d be a success.
On the day, two things happened:
The moment I stepped into the room, the authority and seniority of the audience hit me like cheap perfume
Confidence abandoned me like a fickle friend
I prayed to every single deity for the ground to open up and swallow me, or for there to be an actual fire alarm, or for a catastrophic failure of IT in the building. Of course, the world - and the ground beneath my feet - kept spinning. I realised that up there, with 80 eyes on me, I had really messed up. I had nothing but superficial, perfunctory commentary to make. My voice was two octaves higher, I had no saliva left in my mouth, I felt like I had a flip flop lodged in my throat and the negative voice in my head was screaming at full volume. I had died on stage. I scuttled out of that room in less than 20 minutes. The presentation feedback was, as you’d expect, unflattering.
It took a lot of courage (years in fact) to get back up again and feel assured enough to deliver presentations. From then on, I focused solidly on Preparation, Practise and Pre-empting audience concerns. No-one attends a presentation willing the speaker to fail, or wishing they’d be bored witless. Instead, they are generally there to hear something interesting and relevant to them.
I’d visit the room where the presentation would take place, familiarising myself with the location, the lighting, the way the tech worked. I worked solidly to understand and research the messages I wanted to deliver. And each time I stood up to speak, I’d smile, look around the room and take a moment to notice the feel of the ground beneath my feet.
Lesson Number 3
Don’t allow anyone to define you.
We’ve all had horrid bosses. The ones who make us dread coming to work for whatever reason. I am fortunate enough to have several of them over my career. I say fortunate, because they’ve provided me with many different ways to test and strengthen my own resilience.
At a time when I was quite established in my career, I had a boss who would periodically and for no discernible reason ostracise members of the team. His dislike of me was subtle, almost imperceptible at first, until I realised that my team-mates were also slowly distancing themselves from me. My sense of lacking simply added to my own internalised insecurities. In those moments, I didn’t stop to think that they were protecting themselves from our boss’ nasty attitude. My Confidence hit rock bottom. I had no support to develop my role, no ownership of anything meaningful. All the while, I truly believed it was all down to me: that I wasn’t good enough, smart enough, experienced enough.
But then I started second guessing my qualities as a mother, a wife, a daughter, a daughter-in-law. The negative voice amplified every insecurity and applied them to all aspects of my personal life. I was a mess, lost, unsure, completely bereft of any self-belief. My family felt the ripples of this as I slowly began drawing into myself, my usual colourful, fun presence in the world dulling and dissolving into the grey.
How did I overcome this? A myriad of things: talking things through with my partner and family and reflecting on a powerful women’s leadership programme I’d attended. And that’s when it hit me: I’d unwittingly given away my power – my own sense of self-worth - to a man who only saw one single facet of Me. I’d let him define me. But I was, and am, so much more. That was a powerful realisation moment on a Victoria line tube during rush-hour one weekday morning.
And with that realisation came the power to reclaim myself, one piece at a time. I instigated a move to another team – with a supportive boss who encouraged and nurtured the gradual rebuilding of my own Self-Belief. With that came the Confidence to be proud of my differences, my skills and experiences, and surround myself with others who would help strengthen me and support my growth.
Lesson number 4
Hear the negative voice but choose not to listen.
The negative voice is loud and shrill and sometimes sounds like my mother. It is the hardest struggle to try and drown her out. And she always knows the best moments to drop bombshells such as: ‘You sound so silly’ , or ‘What, if anything, can you possibly add.’
I hear her loudest when I’m exhausted, hungry or overwhelmed. Or, put another way, every time my resilience stores are low. And that’s when her messages really resonate and stick, leading to fear, denial or, at absolute worst, inaction. These are moments when I want to bury myself in my duvet and never emerge into the world again.
I’ve learnt I cannot ignore her. For she comes back louder and stronger. Instead, after years of trying to battle this belittling voice, I’ve given up trying to silence her. She’s like the child constantly kicking the back of your economy airplane seat for the full duration of the flight from London Heathrow to Kuala Lumpur.
I hear her speak, but I Choose Not to Listen. I’m still learning how to match each negative comment with a positive one. I’m still learning that even the negative voice needs to catch a breath and be quiet sometimes – just like that 14hr flight will inevitably end in Kuala Lumpur. And with that quiet, I can rebuild and refuel my resilience stores.
my friend, confidence
I’m still learning how wonderfully joyous it is to share stories and hear how others overcome their Confidence wobbles and how much strength we can derive from how we deal with a common problem.
But most of all, when that negative voice tells me that all I’ve written above is rubbish, I can simply squeeze my eyes shut tight, hover my finger over the send button and hit it real quick, just as I feel my friend Confidence squeeze my shoulder and promise exciting, scary, thrilling adventures ahead.
Thank you for this excellent blog post Jeni! Our research found that 79% of women regularly lack confidence at work so your experiences will resonate with many women. If you’ve enjoyed reading Jeni’s story, sign-up here to be inspired and join our community.